Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
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Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Bike is short for Bichael.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first