I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
You Might Also Like
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.