*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
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My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
#Caturday
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.