Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
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Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Unexpected Judgment
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me