Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.