I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
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my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.