MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
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I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.