If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.