How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
The smoothest fall of all time
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.