I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
You Might Also Like
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.