I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Just a friendly reminder!
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Bed should get ready for ME
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’