My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole