who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
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when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation