I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.