this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
You Might Also Like
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.