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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing