“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.