The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
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MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986