*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
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Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired