I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
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A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?