People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
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[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]