One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
umm…
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
What is going on? 😅
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?