I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.