I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
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*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
If you know, you know
Twitter remains undefeated
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.