It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”