customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
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My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires