[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
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I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I cannot stop laughing at this
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
the greatest twitter interaction
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣