What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.