If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
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Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me driving through Toronto
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in