my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Cheers Twitter.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
let’s discuss
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.