Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
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I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA