FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
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I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*