A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
You Might Also Like
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?