I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
(more comics:
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.