Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
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olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
One of the best
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion