witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
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[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Every photo I’m tagged in
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Ron is short for Aaronald