I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
won’t smith
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW