All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
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The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
what it’s like dating me:
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.