Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
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I’m not alone. I have ants.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?