Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
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LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.