With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: