Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
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i think both sides are to blame here
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.