The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
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Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Going into Monday like
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.