Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
tinder is all about the long game
Big Sex has us all fooled
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.