Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
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Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
road rage
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too