Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
You Might Also Like
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.