You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?