The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.