this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.