*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
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I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*